The Struggle (M12)

I think that people think being a single guy is so simple. They are wrong.

32 years old, from a small town in Missouri, Man 12 (M12) was a fun interview right from the word go. If you know me you won't be surprised to hear that I was late to arrive for the interview.  He was half way through his first beer when I sat down and, while he didn't know what to expect, seemed ready to spill.

On his way to meet me he picked up a call that unexpectedly delivered news that a good friend had died in an accident. That's right -- that happened. Tragic but true, part of our conversation was about how life gets cut short. Amazing people are lost unexpectedly. The people they love are left behind and, in a moment, your perspective is forever changed. It was a great moment to be near him and hear his candid thoughts about life, relationships, and finding ourselves in the midst of it all.

So, off we went...

The Sequel (M11)

I really don't like the word powerful. I don't want to have control. It is not in my personality.

We discussed "power" for a bit. What does it mean? How is that word perceived? In the context of these blog interviews power is a good thing. I'm looking for moments or environments when singles feel fully actualized.

What gets your blood pumping?
When do you feel you have the world in the palm of your hand?
Where do you go to put a smile back on your face and restore your spirit?

Many of my interviewees have expressed feeling powerful at work. A few have admitted feeling powerful in moments of attraction and intimacy. I have heard exercise, public speaking, and even being in nature as being powerful moments.

Once I clarified my question Man 11 (M11) told me, "I feel powerful at work. I am good at what I do." Right now the thing that is working best in my life is my job. I get to do something different every day.

Calm After The Storm & Before The Storm (M10)

I am always wondering where the fighter goes next. I have to get the chip off my shoulder.

I grew up surrounded by extreme poverty. My parents split up when I was six years old. From six to eighteen I just wanted to get out of there. My mother was either not willing or not able to care for us. I raised my siblings all the while living in a very small mobile home where my bedroom was a closet.

I got out of there by joining the military. My Commanding Officer loved to push my buttons. He loved to get under my skin. Despite that I stuck it out and was in the service for nine years.

When I got out of the service I was engaged but we never ended up getting married.

The Best Is Yet To Come (W15)

I wanted to stick my neck out and do something different. I decided to be interviewed because I am an open book. Being single doesn't mean I am not an adult.

Like several people I have interviewed recently Woman 15 (W15) was introduced to me by a previous interviewee. I love when that happens! I love meeting a friend of a friend. It's eye opening to see this chain link of amazing people unfolding all around me and realizing that the distance between us is one single conversation (accompanied by delicious mexican food in this case).

I have a good life. I enjoy running and listening to music. When I need to relax I like to get out on the water. Even sitting on the dock will work.

When I am running I try to focus on something different for every mile. It helps me get through the race. I try to finish in the middle of the pack. I feel powerful after I work out.

Now I See [spiritually] Meets Chaos [worldly] (M9)

I think the biggest misunderstanding people have about me as a single man is that I am either a player or I am gay. Actually, I am neither.

So, now you must be wondering what he does with his time. Right?

Man 9 (M9) is 36 years old. He has assumed guardianship of two boys whose parents were unable to care for them. He works full time (like most of us), is active in volunteer ministry at his church, enjoys running and spending time with his two boys.

I am an animal lover and have three dogs. My favorite music venues include my shower and my car. I think all honest people rank those among their top 3!  I enjoy reading books on my iPad while relaxing on the deck. I also love "dude movies". I connect with the boys over comics, super heroes, and action and adventure.

The Only Constant Is Change (W14)

I quit my job and took six weeks to visit Ireland and travel through Europe. I am so glad I took the time away.

On the day I interviewed Woman 14 (W14) she was 29 years old. A few days later she turned the big 3-0. I, for one, think that an extended European vacation followed by landing a new job is a great way to walk out of your 20's with a fresh perspective.

I am very competitive. I feel powerful when I am playing sports, after a tough run or a big challenge.

My family is the part of my life that is working best right now. We have become close in the last few years. My mom is from Ireland and I have a lot of family there. The trip was a great chance to spend time with them.

It's All About Timing (W13)

I feel powerful when I am being vulnerable. Over the last few months I have focused on being open and real. People perceive me as guarded even though I feel like an open book.

Woman 13 (W13) is 32 years old. She was headed out of town with a friend for a weeks vacation the day after our interview. She works in the creative realm and takes care not to allow herself to be overly consumed with her job. When I first met her she was bubbly and relaxed. She has a disarming smile and a welcoming nature about her.

I decided to meet with you and be interviewed because I am in a good spot. My friend asked me if I was interested and I figured I didn't have anything to lose. Right now the things that are working in my life are my job and finding a balance between work and social life.

The person who told me about the blog is a great friend that I have know since seventh grade. She is my mirror. I know she will be honest with me no matter what.

?... (M8)

I love big brains. Seriously. One of my favorite things is stumbling into a conversation someone who
is crazy smart, or well read, or super interesting.

This interview was a perfect example of a conversation with an intelligent, curious person who enjoys life.

Man 8 (M8) is 39 years old working in medical device sales and marketing. He travels frequently for work and for fun.

When my friend suggested I be interviewed for your blog I said yes with no hesitation. He asked and I said yes. Man 8 told me that from his view point the thing people most misunderstand about being a single man is that  he don't have as much free time as people assume. (Like all single people he either has to handle everything or find someone else to do it and pay them. His statement gave me flashbacks to my Dad saying that he had kids to do laundry, dishes, vacuum and mow the lawn.)

Post Waffles (W12)

Woman 12 (W12) is 26 years old. She is sweet natured and quick to strike up a conversation. In some ways she is youthful and innocent. In other ways she is wise beyond her years.  She told me that she agreed to be interviewed because she felt the push. I couldn't ignore it.

There are many sides to her and in our short conversation I am sure we only scratched the surface. It would take a lot of time and conversation to gain real insight into her heart and mind. The things about her that struck me initially were her level head, her loving heart, and her desire to live in community.

You see when you spend time with W12 you often get the chance to spend time with her son. Being a single mom means that when she is not at work he is typically by her side.

Here is part of our email chain to set up the interview:

Me: Don't know what your schedule is with your son but I am pretty flexible. let me know when would be the best time for you. looking forward to it!

W12: I have [him] 24/7/365. He's pretty easily entertained with a kindle though! We could do coffee before 11.

The Unknown (M7)

I think I just met a real life Renaissance Man!


Man 7 (M7) revealed multiple layers of interests and insight. In some ways he is a big kid. In other ways he is an old soul. He epitomizes "the guy next door".

He told me that he feels powerful when he's driving  his truck. Or, when he can maintain eye contact with a stranger longer than they do. The way he explained it sounded like a social experiment in connection. So many people are lost in their phone or iPod desperate to avoid human connection.

My job and my finances are what works best in my life right now. I am living debt free. I think I am more knowledgeable than powerful. I am intelligent; street smart and book smart.

Refreshing to meet a 27 year old man who is interested in knowledge rather than obsessed with power.

Enjoying the Manifestation I Am Creating (M6)

I'm working on reducing inner chatter and ending negative thoughts.

We met at Kona Grill for sushi. As soon as he started eating he said, "I am in Heaven!" Man 6 (M6) is 48 years old. He attends Unity of Kansas City North and works as a Realtor. Our conversation included topics like spirituality, self employment, relationships, the path to inner peace and joy, and ideas surrounding the pursuit of a fulfilled life. His spiritual life is full and he was excited to share his experience with me. This is what he had to say.

There are no original sinners. Just original blessings. I am living my life seeking complete healing and wholeness.

It is hard to grasp how powerful words are. You have to be careful with the words that you choose. Affirmative prayer is a good example. I believe in praying the good you already have rather then praying for the good. The good things are here. (Read that again. That's deep)

Not Using "My Prime" Sufficiently (W11)

I once ran a camera on Steven Tyler when Aerosmith was in concert at Verizon Amphitheatre. He was right in my face. It is my favorite concert memory. (Seriously, that is the coolest job story I have ever heard!)

Woman 11 (W11) also likes venues such as The Midland and Crossroads. Her taste in music is varied including The Dixie Chicks, Tom Petty, Allison Krause, and Amos Lee.

She feels most powerful when she takes charge and does what needs to be done. She noted bettering herself in a variety of ways and accomplishing things at work as times when she feels powerful. Her most recent example was embarking on a 12 week health challenge before a beach vacation. She said she lost 16 pounds during the challenge and overall she felt better as a result.

W11 says most things in her life are working right now. At 37 years old W11 is a bubbly, easy going person with a contagious laugh and inviting personality.  She has good friends and she enjoys her work as a film producer. The dating scene is the only place she feels things are not working for her right now. 

Growth (W10)

My Dad is a giver to a fault. He is six years younger then my mom. He retired the year before she was diagnosed with alzheimers. He has given up his dream retirement and travel to take care of her.

W10 credits her father for teaching her about kindness. Based on our interview he is selflessly
dedicated to caring for his wife. W10 tries to spend weekends with her parents when she can. It was heartbreaking to hear about her moms condition and how advanced it is at such a young age. It was equally heartwarming to hear that she and her father have stepped up to the plate during what must be an incredible trial.

At 33 years old W10 says she feels most powerful when she knows what she is doing. Examples of when and where she feels powerful are when she is in the kitchen and when she is watching baseball. She is a devout St Louis Cardinals fan for sure!

When I asked about what made her decide to be interviewed she told me that she likes meeting new people. She was recommended by a mutual friend and said she enjoyed reading the stories.

She told me, "I think singles should speak up." (Now that is a thought I agree with)

New Beginning (M5)

I know I'm a good father. I don't know anything else for sure right now.

Man 5 (M5) was divorced last fall. Talking about it with him was refreshing. That may sound strange but it was. His take on being single at 39 years old was pretty light hearted. He is enjoying dating. He is enjoying some freedom, along with the calm and quiet it has brought with it.


My job is working for me right now. I am also learning guitar. I have wanted to learn since I was 10 but thought it was too late to start. I also enjoy music. I like seeing bands at BB's Lawnside, Knuckleheads, and The Phoenix.

He told me that he decided to meet with me because he is an open book. He said he has nothing to hide and since he knew me through mutual friends he decided to take the chance.

I asked him what he thinks people misunderstand about what it's like being a single guy. He told me that he thinks it's partnership. Men want a partner for the same reasons women do. It's not just about sharing responsibilities. He wants someone to be glad to see him at the end of the day.

(Don't Laugh!) At one point he said, "Men are like dogs." Of course, I quickly agreed. I have to say that when he expounded on this cliché it was actually fairly enlightening.

Emancipation (W9)

I am trying to learn to be comfortable with who I am.

It is a much different thing than being grateful for what I have. When I am in moments of contentment and gratitude I realize that most things are working really well in my life.  I am happy being single.

I was really nervous about being interviewed for the blog. I don't feel like I am doing that much and I wonder if I am interesting.

I am so glad she agreed to be interviewed! Woman 9 (W9) is dynamic and interesting. I think her story will resonate with a lot of single people. A lot of divorced people. And, a lot of single parents.

One thing that I know for sure is that I am better off divorced. I have never looked back. I feel totally different then when I was married. I am taking stands more and more as I get my life, family, house, and job aligned and bring order back to my life.

A Rough Seven Years (M4)

As a teacher I feel powerful when I see a kid connect the dots. I can tell when I have helped them. I have been a high school teacher for 14 years. It's a job that works for me. I know what I am doing and I am comfortable in my role.

For fun Man 4 (M4) likes to hang out with friends, play sports, or go to special events. He enjoys going to the Irish Fest at Crown Center and Brown's Annual Irish Festival. He likes seeing shows at Llewellyn's and other small venues. He used to really enjoy seeing The Elder's but right now is in to Flannigan's Right Hook.

I'm not picky about location. I'm just looking for an energetic show. I'm not looking to kill the quiet space. I just enjoy having a good time with friends.

I asked him what he thinks people misunderstand about what it is like to be a single guy. He explained that people discredit him. They seem to discount him or assume there is something wrong with him because of his lifestyle. Even though he has worked with kids for 14 years people think he doesn't understand or know things because he does not have kids of his own.

The Chardonnay Years (W8)

My late 20's were fun. I know. I paid off all the credit card debt.

My money works for me now. My finances are the thing that I feel is working best in my life now. I paid off my car and paid down my credit debt in the last few years.

From the very beginning Woman 8 (W8) was very open. She was sincere and confident. Extremely relatable. Now lets see how well I can convey the very genuine nature of our discussion.

These days I like seeing local bands at The Record Bar. I enjoy seeing shows at Sprint Center but only if I have great seats. I got a puppy over the winter and that keeps me pretty busy and entertained. When I wind down the day I like to play spider solitaire and watch old episodes of Friends. (now if that doesn't scream "30-something" I just don't know what does!)

I like to relax by grabbing a few drinks with friends. I feel  most powerful after hanging out with them. Good friends seem to balance out the crazy. I have a lot of people surrounding me that allow me to be myself. Spending time being in community leaves me feeling charged; empowered.

Discovery (W7)

"You have to celebrate yourself," she said shrugging her shoulders.

Oh, yeah. Then she confessed to sometimes thinking, "what is wrong with me?"
(I don't think I need to explain the two sides of the inner dialogue coin)

As we meandered through the interview she shared some insights learned on her path to finding her truth. "Someday I will fly." Those were her words which makes them beautiful.

"I prefer non-fiction over fiction." That's how she answer what books she likes to read. I learned that the same statement rings true of her view on life.

W7 is a 36 year old Entrepreneur in the midst of realizing her dream. She started her own talent agency in the recent past. She has been entrenched in building her business over the last year and expressed feeling powerful at work. "I enjoy working with actors. I feel needed and loved. My reputation is good." She feels trusted and esteemed; in control of her professional life.

Some low-key couch time watching Netflix is her idea of relaxing. (ditto) For a night of live music she enjoys seeing The Zero's or Dolewite at The Brooksider. She's not much for concerts but laughed about good times watching 90's cover bands with friends. (Sounds fun to me. Think they sing any Milli Vanilli?)

Feelings: Making Stuff Weird (W6)

She drinks whisky. That was all I needed to know; or so I thought. Women who drink whisky are
gritty. Even when her conversation or personal style is soft and sweet a whisky drinker has moxie.

Woman 6 (W6) has lived in Kansas City for four years. She loves Grinders, Crossroads KC for concerts and for live theatre she loves The Living Room Theatre.

What's working in her life right now? Acting and comedy. "I want to be a working actor. One that doesn't have to keep a survival job." She expressed feeling powerful when she is on stage with friends. She feels supported and knows that someone has her back.

In our discussion about acting she said, "I can do it because I was made to do it". She is aware that she may never find great wealth as an actor but would like to make a living. "I will never be broke. I'm rich in everything."

I asked why she decided to meet with me. We were strangers and at the time of the interview she had not read the blog. She explained, "I was asked to participate by a good friend. I'm in the arts and I wanted to be supportive and believe in your project. Give and take. I thought it sounded fun and not too serious."

It's Not You. It's Me.

We have all been there.


If you think you haven't been there you will be. Trust me!

You find yourself attracted to someone that is outside of your social circle. Or, maybe not your typical "type". Or, maybe they have a different faith. Different skin color. Different cultural background. Or, maybe, they are <insert gasp here> vegan.

It is a breath of fresh air to find someone you can relate to. Whether just a friend or something more intimate in nature finding a true companion is a rare and wonderful gift.  And then it happens.

Your friends. Your family. Your coworkers.

Everyone is a helper. They come busting in and kill your buzz. Opinions. advice. Cautionary tales. Suddenly your cozy little party of two becomes Open Mic Night.

All About Me (It's a Woman Thing) (W5)

"I feel powerful when I do something I am afraid of and I conquer it." Not everyone is comfortable admitting that but on some level I think we all feel that way. No matter the fear(s) conquering them is empowering. If you can just get up the nerve to do it.

Based on our conversation Woman 5 (W5) has been conquering fears her whole life. I don't know that she has necessarily been cognizant of it but her story is one of overcoming obstacles, believing for the best, and staying the course. I would characterize this 44 year old mother of three as a breath of fresh air.

When she wants to get out and enjoy herself she enjoys doing something physical. She specifically noted running 5k's at the top of her list. She likes music saying there are too many venues she likes to even try to name them. If it's Spring or Summer she likes to see concerts at Starlight. She told me one of her favorite concert memories is seeing James Taylor with her daughter.

She definitely knows what she doesn't like. "I don't like hard rock, opera, and please don't take me to the ballet."

Chapter 2: KC (M3)

"You don't have to share but you miss sharing." - Man 3 

(That pretty much sums it up my friends.) 

We met at Charlie Hooper's AKA my favorite bar. We had a really fun conversation. I would describe him as being young at heart. He is 39 years old which clearly is younger and more fun than it used to be.

M3 told me that people think being a single guy is easy and fun. While he agreed that it can be fun he said it's also a lot of work. "You have to do all the cooking, cleaning, ironing, and pay all the bills. I have to socialize, hire contractors, fix things; do everything alone." We agreed that it's the little things that add up sometimes. 

So, he is a musician. A self-taught guitar player and a drummer. He has his undergrad in music and taught music for period of time. Now he plays in local bars around KC from time to time with friends. (I must see this!)

Trust Yourself (M2)

"I hate TV; the only channel I actually enjoy is PBS. I enjoy playing guitar, riding my bike, and hanging out with friends."

He shared his view on KC music venues saying Starlight is his favorite for a concert. He likes Knuckleheads and the Clarette Club for smaller venues. (The Clarette! I had to smile. My Grandma used to go there. It is great for darts and pool. What a dive.)

Part of our discussion was about books we are reading and where we get our recommendations. He said one of his favorites is The Journals of Lewis and Clark (Lewis & Clark Expedition). He said he thoroughly enjoyed it and would recommend it highly.

Man 2 (M2) agreed to meet with me out of curiosity. A mutual friend made the invitation and he said that coming from someone he trusted and liked he agreed without hesitation or question. When I arrived to meet him he had not seen the blog and really didn't know what it was about other than meeting single people. He felt the interview was a chance for introspection.

No Pressure (M1)

The long awaited Man 1 (M1) interview took place at Taco Republic. While the temperature outside
hovered around zero, we sat in the festive dining room holding beers in one hand and delicious tacos in the other pretending we were chatting it up beachfront.

My favorite part of the interview was when he told me that he feels most powerful when he pulls into his garage at the end of the day. He said, "It's my domain. I worked for it, it's my place and it represents accomplishing my goals. It doesn't matter the size of the garage. It matters that it's all mine."

Wait. I lied. My favorite part was when he said that his favorite part of life right now is watching his kids become adults. He enjoys his kids, ages 17 and 20. I love when I hear parents say they enjoy their teenage kids. Being a teen is tough, and there are few things that teens need more than their parents attention and affection. Yep, that's my favorite part.

Transformation (W4)

Woman 4 (W4) is a brainy, bad ass. Sorry, but that is the only way I know to say it. (I'm not really sorry)  At 41 I think she is in the midst of a revolution. She may or may not have said "mid-life crisis" but I say revolution.

Here is what she had to say this morning:

I'm in a good place. My professional life feels good. My spiritual life is strong. My health is improving and exercise is working for me.

I'm committed to running a 5k every month this year. I signed up for a half marathon in April.

I started a new job in a different line of work. I had applied for a huge number of jobs and was getting nowhere. I was at the point where I was searching in other cities just thinking that KC was not where I was supposed to be. Then, I got a call from a guy about an opening.  I hadn't even applied there. A friend had passed my resume along. I met with him at 2pm. The interview was over in about an hour and I walked out with a job offer.

The Future (W3)

"My 62 feels more like 45. I am filled with energy, goals and desires. I have no plans to retire."

Woman 3 (W3) and I agreed that 62 is just not as old as it used to be. She is excited about her future and confident that she is not yet in her last and final chapter by any means.

W3 explained that she agreed to meet with me because she had enjoyed meeting me a few weeks prior and likes to share and learn from new people. "I wanted to spend time thinking of me. I don't usually do that."

"The two things working best in my life right now are my new job and my dedication to exercise." W3 went on to explain that there is not really anything in her life that is not working. She started exercising regularly six months ago explaining that she feels mentally and emotionally healthy and wants her physical health too.

Continued Adolescence (W2)

"I am at my best when I am out of my own head. When I am immersed in doing things I enjoy I can help and inspire people."

We covered a lot of ground in 80 minutes. Woman 2 (W2) jumped into the interview with both feet. She had not read my self-interview post so she was wholly candid. We broke it all the way down over some Chuy's chips and salsa. She made me laugh, she nearly made me cry, and she opened my eyes to how lightening up a bit can smooth out life's path.

One of the first questions I asked was, "what do you know for sure?" I asked it early on with hope it would set the mood and give me some insight into where she finds her strength. Her answer was refreshing. (See below) She got a bit emotional when answering it and her body language and facial expressions were telling. She finished with a note about feeling hormonal. While the tears in her eyes said hormones we can all understand getting emotional when we collide with knowing we are loved, thought of, and important. These are feelings that stir us.

Finding Me (W1)

I met my first interviewee on Sunday night.

Woman 1 (W1) opened up by telling me that after several years of feeling "lost in a forest" she feels she has found her way to a path.

W1 has been reflecting on activities she enjoyed in her early 20's and trying to incorporate those things into her current routine. (Love that idea!) She has been baking and wants to take painting classes this year. She prefers listening to the radio over watching TV. She did say that a Criminal Minds marathon is one of the only reasons she might spend a day hanging out on the couch. When asked what is working in her life right now she said running.

Over the last few years she completed law school and started her own business. Her growing business is the part of her life where she feels things are working best.

A New Day (Me)

I have prepared the list of questions for my first interview.


I firmly believe that you should not ask questions of others that you are not prepared to answer for yourself. So, I figured I should go first. While it is probably impossible to interview yourself I gave it my best shot. I scrapped any question that I could not comfortably answer immediately.

The fist hurdle is surrendering beliefs that discourage connection.(Anything that sounds like, "I am not fill in the blank")

In order to focus on who I am today I am leaving the future to its own devices. I am ditching beliefs that keep me from getting where I want to go. I hope by doing so that I might just find something relevant/something real in every single conversation.

Conversations Worth Having

It has been an incredibly thought provoking week! Several people have already raised their hand to be interviewed. (3 down, 67 to go) So, I have been thinking a lot about what I will ask them. I have been thinking about blogs, writers and peers that are candid and self aware, disarming and able to get to the heart of a matter with great sincerity.

Friends continue to ask me what my real goal is. What it "really is". My agenda is simply to have a real conversation with single people who are living life in Kansas City.

I hope that my curiosity will be inviting. I hope that 70 like-minded, inquisitive people will jump at the chance to join me in this experiment. I hope that 35 men and 35 women will have the courage to share their reality/their story with me in a single conversation.

Since I don't always have the right words and obviously brevity is not a gift I possess I thought I would share examples of bloggers who offer up topics for conversations that I think are worth having.

What It Is

I received so much supportive feedback on yesterdays post!


It seems people are willing to grin and bear my lackluster writing skills as long as I attempt to offer up something of interest. I promise I will try to limit the run on sentences. Mostly through excessive use of commas but please just try to follow along.

My aim is social rather then scientific so I am reluctant to put too many parameters in place. I want to let the conversation go where it goes. The one thing I know is that I aim to avoid anything that looks or feels like material for an online dating profile.

Here is what I know will happen:

A New Perspective

Historically, I would not characterize myself as a writer or as a researcher or as a lot of things.

One night in early December, I was having trouble falling asleep as thoughts of my upcoming birthday ran through my head. The close of an incredibly eventful year was coming near, with the beginning of a new year right on its heels. My repeating thought was not about what has or has not happened over the last year. Rather, it was about why I am so focused on what I am not, what I do not have, and what I have not accomplished by this point in my life.

I have many great qualities. I have everything I need. I have accomplished many things.

This internal counseling session went on for a while, as you may have already imagined.

I turn 35 in a few weeks. This is exciting simply because I love celebrating birthdays. I love milestones and reflection and anticipating what the next year will bring. My life is not what I thought it would be when I was a teenager, planning my next 80 years down to the last nonsensical detail. (Why do we do that?) While it is not the cookie-cutter fairytale that I had anticipated, it has turned out to be a more substantial and fulfilling life than I was capable of envisioning at 16.

My oversimplified profile is: single/no kids/never married.

But, who am I, really?