It's All About Timing (W13)

I feel powerful when I am being vulnerable. Over the last few months I have focused on being open and real. People perceive me as guarded even though I feel like an open book.

Woman 13 (W13) is 32 years old. She was headed out of town with a friend for a weeks vacation the day after our interview. She works in the creative realm and takes care not to allow herself to be overly consumed with her job. When I first met her she was bubbly and relaxed. She has a disarming smile and a welcoming nature about her.

I decided to meet with you and be interviewed because I am in a good spot. My friend asked me if I was interested and I figured I didn't have anything to lose. Right now the things that are working in my life are my job and finding a balance between work and social life.

The person who told me about the blog is a great friend that I have know since seventh grade. She is my mirror. I know she will be honest with me no matter what.


I enjoy having drinks with friends, being with people I care about, and having a no frills conversation.  I love concerts. One of my favorite shows was Damian Rice at Liberty Hall about 10 years ago. It was a very intimate show.

We talked a lot about dating and the "friend zone". We both have a lot of men in our group of friends; most of which we have known for years. Neither of us have had very many long term dating relationships. She was extremely candid about her experience and her thoughts about being single.

I don't feel like I have ever met "the one". There has always been some reservation. I grew up hearing, "girls don't ...". Lots of expectations and views that I still carry with me.

The more we talked the more clear it was that among our biggest challenges are filtering through the expectations from others to find who we really are. Or, who we want to be. Getting really good at living by the rules you were raised with is not always the best way to have a fulfilling life.

What three words would your best friend use to describe you?

Private / Outgoing / Entertaining                                    

What is the most fun thing you have done in the last 30 days?

Just hanging out with a friend. We talked over drinks. We had a real and raw conversation.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

I would be more vocal about what I want. I would ask for what I want whether it be a sale at work or a personal relationship. I would be more upfront.

Where would we go for a "day of fun" in Kansas City?
We would just be us and have fun. Lets start with a mani/pedi and get our hair done. Then we can head to the Nelson and browse around. At night we can go to a Justin Timberlake concert and stop for drinks at Manifesto.

What event most shaped you over the last year?

1. Doing things by myself

2. Spending time with my 16 month old niece. She challenges me to love freely and to be real. She gives so freely. I am obsessed with her and she knows that and loves me back. When I see her she runs to me and hugs me. She has no expectation and sees no fault. She is enough.

I'm thankful that my brother and his wife share her with me. 

What is your favorite part of your life right now?

I get to do whatever the hell I want.

What would new friends be surprised to learn about you?

That I am so private. Friends think they know everything; but, they don't.

What do you know for sure?

Each day is a new day. Even on a bad day I can start over tomorrow.

What is your mantra?

Live every day to the fullest.

What question do you want to be asked? 

What are you going to do about your situation?

Will you come with me to ... ? (Invite me into your world)

If you could write a note to your younger self, what would you say in 2 words?

You're awesome.

Your census data is: Single / No kids / Never married

But, who are you really?
Single / Willing / Open to the next chapter

So, what did I take away from this interview?

1. Keep W13 on the happy hour rotations. She is fun as hell and a great conversationalist!
2. Have fun. Wherever you are. Who ever you find yourself with.
3. Make your own rules. It's ok to give up the rules that don't work for me even if they work for others.
4. Ask for what you want. I may not be getting what I want and/or need because no one knows about it.
5. If you want more than what you have right now you will have to say so, out loud, and give someone the chance to be in your life.

In case you are not a type A person I will tell you that these are ranked by difficulty. Also, I boiled them down to bullet points. Because, after all, there nothing is more satisfying than crossing things off the list.

There is so much about us (in this context single people) that is the same. We overcomplicate things. Stop peering into your future and trying to preempt tragedy. Let go. Maintaining a death grip on every moment of every day is likely suffocating the chance for serendipity to show up.

I can't think of anyone (in any relationship status) who claims their joy is a result of their ability to control things. I keep hearing that they let go of control, accepted what is, and choose (daily) to enjoy the ride.

Maybe I need to update my mantra...

How did she shape me?

I'm starting to realize that I am not the only one who hasn't been dating someone consistently since I was a teenager. It has been really eye opening to me how many people really don't date that much. W13 is one of many interviewees who told me that they don't date often. They are not asking people out and are not being asked out. Maybe we all should be asking more often...

Turns out it is possible to be so guarded for so long that you are even hidden from yourself. I have never thought about that very much. Our conversation took me down that road. I've been thinking more about what I want. Who I really am vs. how I have conformed to "fit in"?

That thought will be an ongoing internal debate for me. I am glad I had that conversation with W13.