32 years old, from a small town in Missouri, Man 12 (M12) was a fun interview right from the word go. If you know me you won't be surprised to hear that I was late to arrive for the interview. He was half way through his first beer when I sat down and, while he didn't know what to expect, seemed ready to spill.
On his way to meet me he picked up a call that unexpectedly delivered news that a good friend had died in an accident. That's right -- that happened. Tragic but true, part of our conversation was about how life gets cut short. Amazing people are lost unexpectedly. The people they love are left behind and, in a moment, your perspective is forever changed. It was a great moment to be near him and hear his candid thoughts about life, relationships, and finding ourselves in the midst of it all.So, off we went...
I decided to meet with you because I think full disclosure is a good thing. I want to be open and honest about who I am. Socially, things seem to get so fake. If I open up others may see themselves differently. Maybe there will be more peace and understanding.
The thing that is working best in my life right now is that I have good friends. I have friends and family that pray for me. People care about me even if I don't realize it. I have God's mercy.
When I want to relax I like to have a drink or watch Netflix. For fun I like to play golf or other sports.
My favorite music venue in KC is Starlight. But, that is probably an easy answer. If I am going to see a band I love I probably want to go to The Record Bar. It is small and they have great beer.
Oh crap! When do I feel powerful? I would actually use the word empowered. I feel empowered when I am hooking up with a girl. Not sure if I should say that. I think I have been trained to believe attracting a woman is what makes me a man.
[Sidebar: I will come back to this little note about attraction and intimacy. This was a thought provoking, conversation starting statement that deserves some unpacking]
What three words would your best friend use to describe you?
Funny / intelligent / compassionate
What is the most fun thing you have done in the last 30 days?
Ziggy Marley Concert at Crossroads KC. I was with some great friends, it was a beautiful night, and the concert was much better than I had anticipated.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
Give more money and resources to the homeless and people who are struggling.
Where would we go for a "day of fun" in Kansas City?
Brunch at Bristol at P&L. Golfing at Mission Hills Country Club. Then, wings and cheese fries at The Peanut on 51st. Then we can check out The Nelson - I have never been. Then, shower, change, and head to Gram & Dun for dinner. After that we can bar hop until we are exhausted. Maybe we will end up at The Phoenix for Jazz or stop by P&L just for good measure. If we feel up to it we should have an old fashioned at Harry's in Westport.
[This sounds more like two days of fun to me]
Brunch at Bristol at P&L. Golfing at Mission Hills Country Club. Then, wings and cheese fries at The Peanut on 51st. Then we can check out The Nelson - I have never been. Then, shower, change, and head to Gram & Dun for dinner. After that we can bar hop until we are exhausted. Maybe we will end up at The Phoenix for Jazz or stop by P&L just for good measure. If we feel up to it we should have an old fashioned at Harry's in Westport.
[This sounds more like two days of fun to me]
What event most shaped you over the last year?
A very close friend lost her husband. I knew him. He lived life to the fullest.
What is your favorite part of your life right now?
I enjoy the alone time I have at home. Spontaneity
What would new friends be surprised to learn about you?
How much insecurity I carry around.
What do you know for sure?
God loves me. I have a future. I have been blessed with an amazing family.
What is your mantra?
If you always do what you have done you will always get what you've got.
What question do you want to be asked?
Do you want to talk for a little bit?
If you could write a note to your younger self, what would you say in 2 words?
Christ first
Your census data is: Single / No kids / Never married.
Who are you really? Single / Authentic / Compassionate
Who are you really? Single / Authentic / Compassionate
So, what did I take away from this interview?
I will spare you the internal dialogue in order to cut the story short.
This person is charismatic - magical. He has somehow managed to maintain a childlike innocence. He in interested in life, wants to find love, and understands that filling his soul is pivotal to the equation of a fulfilled life. Sometimes he parties all night. Sometimes he goes to church. In between he puzzles over all the aspects of himself.
Men - single men - have the same concerns, doubts, insecurities, and all the rest of the drama that single women do. I think this is one of the best kept secrets of adulthood. Men don't just take what they want. They do not ask out every woman they are interested in. They don't always look in the mirror and feel totally confident and in control. They don't know what is going to happen next and they don't always know what to say. The really bad news is that when a women asks them out they sometimes sabotage it because they can't believe she is actually interested.
Maybe I am alone in this misunderstanding. I really did not understand that until I starting this blog.
This guy (and so many of us) struggle with the gap between the ideals that we aspire to and the reality of our daily lives. We apologize for being real when we should not. We are harder on ourselves than we are on others. All we actually want is to be accepted just as we are. We want someone/anyone to believe in us.
I am starting to see that accepting other people where they are and exactly as they are is the fastest way to find the acceptance we are looking for.
This person is charismatic - magical. He has somehow managed to maintain a childlike innocence. He in interested in life, wants to find love, and understands that filling his soul is pivotal to the equation of a fulfilled life. Sometimes he parties all night. Sometimes he goes to church. In between he puzzles over all the aspects of himself.
Men - single men - have the same concerns, doubts, insecurities, and all the rest of the drama that single women do. I think this is one of the best kept secrets of adulthood. Men don't just take what they want. They do not ask out every woman they are interested in. They don't always look in the mirror and feel totally confident and in control. They don't know what is going to happen next and they don't always know what to say. The really bad news is that when a women asks them out they sometimes sabotage it because they can't believe she is actually interested.
Maybe I am alone in this misunderstanding. I really did not understand that until I starting this blog.
This guy (and so many of us) struggle with the gap between the ideals that we aspire to and the reality of our daily lives. We apologize for being real when we should not. We are harder on ourselves than we are on others. All we actually want is to be accepted just as we are. We want someone/anyone to believe in us.
I am starting to see that accepting other people where they are and exactly as they are is the fastest way to find the acceptance we are looking for.
How did he shape me?
He was quick to smile. I liked that. I'm not sure I smile at people enough. At least not in a genuine - for no reason - kind of way.
We all put on a front. We want to please the people we are with -- at work, at home, and at play. It is not until we can disarm ourselves that we really get to know one another. So, have a beer, take a walk, or maybe, just be quiet for a few minutes so that someone else can see you -- the real you.
So many times in life we are taught to use caution and consider our options:
Mom: "Look both ways before crossing the street."
Shop Teacher: "measure twice, cut once."
Science Class: "Develop a hypothesis. Test it repeatedly. Then, and only then, make a conclusion."
Drivers Ed: "Come to a complete stop. Pause for three seconds. Then, pull through the intersection."
Winery: "Sample five of our wines for free and then buy a glass of your favorite."
When making new friends or going on dates I would encourage you to take more than one opportunity to get to know someone before you decide if you like them or not. It is easy to snap to a decision and I realize that I have missed great opportunities for friendship, and probably so much more, because I was too quick to jump.
He was quick to smile. I liked that. I'm not sure I smile at people enough. At least not in a genuine - for no reason - kind of way.
We all put on a front. We want to please the people we are with -- at work, at home, and at play. It is not until we can disarm ourselves that we really get to know one another. So, have a beer, take a walk, or maybe, just be quiet for a few minutes so that someone else can see you -- the real you.
So many times in life we are taught to use caution and consider our options:
Mom: "Look both ways before crossing the street."
Shop Teacher: "measure twice, cut once."
Science Class: "Develop a hypothesis. Test it repeatedly. Then, and only then, make a conclusion."
Drivers Ed: "Come to a complete stop. Pause for three seconds. Then, pull through the intersection."
Winery: "Sample five of our wines for free and then buy a glass of your favorite."
When making new friends or going on dates I would encourage you to take more than one opportunity to get to know someone before you decide if you like them or not. It is easy to snap to a decision and I realize that I have missed great opportunities for friendship, and probably so much more, because I was too quick to jump.
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