A Rough Seven Years (M4)

As a teacher I feel powerful when I see a kid connect the dots. I can tell when I have helped them. I have been a high school teacher for 14 years. It's a job that works for me. I know what I am doing and I am comfortable in my role.

For fun Man 4 (M4) likes to hang out with friends, play sports, or go to special events. He enjoys going to the Irish Fest at Crown Center and Brown's Annual Irish Festival. He likes seeing shows at Llewellyn's and other small venues. He used to really enjoy seeing The Elder's but right now is in to Flannigan's Right Hook.

I'm not picky about location. I'm just looking for an energetic show. I'm not looking to kill the quiet space. I just enjoy having a good time with friends.

I asked him what he thinks people misunderstand about what it is like to be a single guy. He explained that people discredit him. They seem to discount him or assume there is something wrong with him because of his lifestyle. Even though he has worked with kids for 14 years people think he doesn't understand or know things because he does not have kids of his own.


Now, 39 years old, he is caring for him mother as she battles cancer. The experience of being her caretaker has definitely made an impression on him. He has been married previously and shared some details of that experience with me. While his career has been on a track and somewhat predictable his personal life has had some twists and turns he could not have predicted.

Part of our interview focused on kindness and giving. He told me a story from when he was in 1st or 2nd grade.

There was a group of us that walked home from school together each day. It was a really cold and snowy day.  Some of the boys were bullying this one kid and pushed him down in a pile of snow.

Right then, my Mom pulled up. (She had come to get us since it was so cold.) She jumped out of the car, grabbed the kid and put him in her car to warm him up. Then she told me to get in the car. She left the other kids standing there and we drove him home.

She made me go into his house and apologize to the kid's Mom. When we got home I asked her why she made me do that. I wasn't bullying him. I didn't push him down. I said, "I didn't even do anything". 

She looked at me and said, "That's right. You didn't do anything. That's what you did wrong. That's what you needed to apologize for. You could have done something and you chose to do nothing."

What three words would your best friend use to describe you?

Depends on the day. laid back / unscheduled / pain in the ass                                         

What is the most fun thing you have done in the last 30 days?

I watched a former student play basketball with the Globe Trotters.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

I would say whatever comes to my mind even if it pisses people off.

Where would we go for a "day of fun" in Kansas City?
Biscuits and gravy at Sharps  Then, head to Crown Center. Walk through the Aquarium and Lego Land (I heard you have to have a kid with you to get in so that could be a problem) Then, lets run through the fountains. We can check out Liberty Memorial. Go to Pizza 51 for lunch followed by a walk on the Plaza. I want to take the Gangster Tour too. (This day is getting long) At night we can go on a Pub Crawl. Power & Light, Kelly's Inn Westport, The Peanut on 51st St, Charlie Hooper's, and Bobby Bakers. Finally, we will need a cab ride home!

What event most shaped you over the last year?

My Mom's illness. She is 61 years old and in the last seven years she has suffered a stroke and is now fighting her second battle with cancer. I am her caretaker.

What is your favorite part of your life right now?

Vacation days and summers off. Gives me a chance to take classes, play soccer, and relax.

What would new friends be surprised to learn about you?

They would be surprised to see me at work. They have trouble imagining me teaching a class.

What do you know for sure?

Nothing. whatever I think the answers change.

What is your mantra?

Quit crying and get up.
Things get difficult but don't be devastated. Make a plan. It's about how you deal with it.

What question do you want to be asked? 

Anything as long as it's genuine. I don't need someone else's solutions. Just empathy. I would love to get things off my chest.

If you could write a note to your younger self, what would you say in 2 words?

Go slow

Your census data is: Single / 0 Kid / Divorced

But, who are you really? Single / No bullshit / Eyes wide open

So, what did I take away from this interview?

He said he agreed to be interviewed because he had never been interviewed before. Thank goodness!

This interview was really fun. M4 is the older brother of one of my childhood friends. It was fun to talk to a person that I knew from a distance as a child and that I see around town from time to time as an adult. Until the interview he was not really a person I knew as much as a person I knew of.

Everyone has a checklist for what they want in a partner. I think character, selflessness, empathy, and a big heart should be at the top. There are a lot of catchy sayings about what to look for in  partner. "Loves his/her mother" seems to be a good one.

Finally, I am also immensely thankful that my parents are healthy. We all take health for granted when we have it. We are floored when illness, tragedy, or death strike in our family.

Are you the kind of person that would be caretaker to your parent?
Am I?

(Seems worth a thought)

How did he shape me?

It hit me while I was interviewing him that so many of our peers are acting as caretakers. They are caring for their parents. It is a strange time in life. People you and I know are single and one or both of their parents are single as well. Therefore, when one of them needs long term care it is the parent/child relationship that is primary in the absence of a spouse.

Some of us have not found a person that we want to spend our life with. We have not had any children. But, the closest family members we have, our own parents, are in need of our care.

Some of our peers are answering that call and as a result have less time to dedicate to self focused pursuits such as dating or an active social life.

M4's story will be at the front of my mind next time I meet a single person. Maybe there is nothing wrong with them. Maybe being single is not really "their choice". Maybe they are an incredibly caring person who is giving their time, energy, and love to a person who taught them that when you are in the position to help someone you should. You should help even if it what happened is not your fault.

He is.