Figure It Out (W17)

Woman 17 (W17) has been a professional acquaintance of mine for years. I had occasion to ran into her at networking events but our interaction never progressed beyond light, social communication. She has always been someone I respected and hoped to get to know better. I guess you could call it charisma. She just has that thing!

We met over happy hour at La Bodega and enjoyed some sangria (of course), tapas, and people watching on the Boulevard. Turns out she is as interesting, insightful, and charismatic as I anticipated. 

What works best in my life right now is family. I have two kids and three grand-kids. I’m not sure it could get any better. I have a really good relationship with my kids. 

My best moment in memory is moving to Kansas City 20 years ago when I got married. Three weeks later - mid September -  I saw wild flowers on the highway and realized it would be okay. I go back to that day every fall when I see those.

Currently 58 years old, W17 has been married twice before. She divorced once and was widowed the second time. She shared several insights about dating, marriage, and family. She shared some of the loss and sadness that she has faced. All of which would likely sound familiar to anyone who has been married and/or raised children. She told me about times when she picked herself up, brushed herself of, and started over again. She also shared her joys in raising her children, the thrill of finding love and building a relationship and partnership, and also her joy in being single. 

The thing that people most misunderstand about being single is that there is just a lot to do.

When I need to go out and have some fun I like listening to live music. Especially the blues. I am most relaxed when I am sitting in a bar with a drink in my hand watching traffic go by. My favorite music venue in Kansas City is Knuckleheads. Paul Thorn was my favorite show. He is a great story teller.

Much like the rest of us she doesn't have it all figured out. But, I got the sense that she knows herself well and she knows what she brings to the table. She knows she can tackle whatever life brings and be successful. She is open to new experiences, welcomes challenge, and learns from the twists and turns. 

I feel powerful when I make decisions. The bigger the better. I don’t go backwards once I make up my mind. I think before I take action. I am very purposeful.

As my last question I asked her to finish this sentence: "W17 is"....Strong. 

Um...Agreed.


What three words would your best friend use to describe you?    
Sincere / Calm / Thoughtful                   

What is the most fun thing you have done in the last 30 days?
I sat with a friend just talking. We have known each other since we were eight years old. I don’t have to explain anything with her. We have similar life circumstances.

What would you do if you were not afraid?
I’m not a fearful person. I get nervous but I find my way.
I am very independent. My second husband encouraged that. I am pretty much doing what I want.
I buy and sell real estate. I date. I’m doing it.

Where would we go for a "day of fun" in Kansas City?
(not answered.) However, I assure you that any day with her is bound to be fun. She's good at fun!
What event most shaped you over the last year?
I bought a house. I picked it out myself and paid for it with my own money.

What is your favorite part of your life right now?
Freedom to come and go as I please. I have been single before but I had young kids. This time is much different.

What would new friends be surprised to learn about you?
I get lonely sometimes even if I don’t talk about it.

What do you know for sure?
I will figure it out. I have strong faith. Things are going to be OK no matter what. Nothing else is certain.

What is your mantra?
Keep smiling no matter what happens.

What question do you want to be asked? 
Will you tell me about your husband?

If you could write a note to your younger self, what would you say in 2 words?
Be yourself.

Your census data is: Single / Married twice / 2 kids

Who are you really? 
Single / Self-sufficient / Happy

 

So, what did I take away from this interview?

I had two primary takeaways from this interview. 

1. We/I/You do not know what tomorrow will bring. Good, bad, or otherwise life always reserves the right to surprise.

2. Happiness is a choice. And, in the same vein, being joyful is a choice -- really more of a habit. Neither of these things are accidental - at least not for long.

W17 has fairly typical census data for a woman in her same age group. She is a mother and a grandmother -- not surprising. She is single at a time when she did not expect to be. That should not be surprising either since 35% of women between 50-65 years old are single per census data. 

I did some quick checking on how common it is for single women in the US to be divorced at least once and single after age 50.

• According to www.census.gov almost 41% of american women over 50 had been divorced at least once.
• 20% of women in that age group have been married at least twice.   (Per Marriage and Divorces Data for 2009. 
• 35% of women between the ages of 50-65 were single in the year 2011 per www.census.gov.

What that tells me is that at least 35% of women between the ages of 50 and 65 are choosing happiness and joy on a life path that may not be exactly what they anticipated. Whether or not they wake up every day excited to see what the day will bring it is likely not in the setting they imagined as a much younger woman.

Why do I bring this up? 

Mostly, I bring it up because it is important to recognize that being single is not an unusual status (at any age). Also, because being single does not equate to a life lacking for relationships and joy. And finally, because relationship status is subject to change. 

Therefore, being in a habit of choosing joy in all seasons of life is essential. Decide, as W17 has, to remain open to new experiences, relationships, and opportunities. And, next time you meet a person who is 50+ and single you might ask them what they've been up to lately. Something tells me they might enlighten you about great places to go dancing, get the perfect cup of coffee, or simply find a quiet place to enjoy the view.

How did she shape me?

Meeting with her helped me to appreciate that little voice in my head that says things like...
"you should call that old friend", or
"go ahead, invite this interesting person to coffee", or
"drive a different route today", or
"seriously, you should go to a new event/restaurant/art gallery/anywhere this weekend".

She made me want to be more adventurous -- and to see more adventure in the things I am already doing.

She is a person who is confident and complete in who she is while realizing the value and joy that relationships bring to her life. She can appreciate and enjoy having a partner but I sense that she does not become lost in partnership.

She is emotional. My sense of her is that she really feels love, joy, happiness and conversely grief, loss, and loneliness.

I would aspire to be like that. All of that.