Figure It Out (W17)

Woman 17 (W17) has been a professional acquaintance of mine for years. I had occasion to ran into her at networking events but our interaction never progressed beyond light, social communication. She has always been someone I respected and hoped to get to know better. I guess you could call it charisma. She just has that thing!

We met over happy hour at La Bodega and enjoyed some sangria (of course), tapas, and people watching on the Boulevard. Turns out she is as interesting, insightful, and charismatic as I anticipated. 

What works best in my life right now is family. I have two kids and three grand-kids. I’m not sure it could get any better. I have a really good relationship with my kids. 

My best moment in memory is moving to Kansas City 20 years ago when I got married. Three weeks later - mid September -  I saw wild flowers on the highway and realized it would be okay. I go back to that day every fall when I see those.

The Unknown (M14)

Right now, I am focused on taking care of myself - health, food, choices. 

What I think is most misunderstood about being a single man is that it is not always arrived at by choice.

Man 14 (M14) is 33 years old. Not long ago he moved back to Kansas City for a relationship. An, at times long distance relationship he had been in for six years. That relationship came to an end for, in my opinion, what amounts to a very honest reason.

They were in different places.
They saw the path forward differently.
Ultimately, the choice was made to be honest with themselves and each other. 
They admitted that they did not want the same thing at the same time and maybe they never would.

So often couples can't see the relationship forest for the trees. Not the case here. I'm sure it was a difficult decision. Kudos to them for coming to terms with where they were at.

Me - My Time (W16)

I chose to be single so I could focus on raising my kid. I tried dating and it just didn't work.

Woman 16 (W16) is 48 years old. Over the last year her daughter graduated from high school, she changed jobs, is contemplating moving a new home, and is thinking of trying out online dating.

I anticipated some conversation about empty nest syndrome or major realizations about life as a single, adult woman. That is not what I got. Even though she was focused on raising her daughter and making a living she found plenty of time for self discovery. She is not unclear about who she is or what she wants. She was honest and contemplative while we talked. She didn't have all of the answers. People are rarely so honest and open about not knowing what is coming next in life.

People misunderstand what it's like to be a single mom. It changes your perspective on things. I had to work a lot. I like what I do and it was my primary social outlet for a long time.  When I lost my Dad to cancer I went to work. It kept me from being alone. My work saved my life.

If You Don't Ask The Answer Is Always No (M13)

People misunderstand that being single is not about sleeping around.

Apparently not all single guys are players. Go figure! This guy is focused on his career. He wants to date. However, he is looking for someone who is also career driven, family oriented, and self-sufficient. If you have been single for six months or more you may be able to relate to what a tall order that seems be at times.

At 31 years old Man 13 (M13) is excited about where his life is going. As he should be! He is accomplished, well respected, and has incredible social and professional circles. And, interesting! I actually had to interview him twice. The first time I got so caught up in his professional accomplishments that I didn’t get enough personal info to write a blog post about him.

Sorry! Imagine how awkward I felt emailing him again to ask for two more drinks.

The Struggle (M12)

I think that people think being a single guy is so simple. They are wrong.

32 years old, from a small town in Missouri, Man 12 (M12) was a fun interview right from the word go. If you know me you won't be surprised to hear that I was late to arrive for the interview.  He was half way through his first beer when I sat down and, while he didn't know what to expect, seemed ready to spill.

On his way to meet me he picked up a call that unexpectedly delivered news that a good friend had died in an accident. That's right -- that happened. Tragic but true, part of our conversation was about how life gets cut short. Amazing people are lost unexpectedly. The people they love are left behind and, in a moment, your perspective is forever changed. It was a great moment to be near him and hear his candid thoughts about life, relationships, and finding ourselves in the midst of it all.

So, off we went...

The Sequel (M11)

I really don't like the word powerful. I don't want to have control. It is not in my personality.

We discussed "power" for a bit. What does it mean? How is that word perceived? In the context of these blog interviews power is a good thing. I'm looking for moments or environments when singles feel fully actualized.

What gets your blood pumping?
When do you feel you have the world in the palm of your hand?
Where do you go to put a smile back on your face and restore your spirit?

Many of my interviewees have expressed feeling powerful at work. A few have admitted feeling powerful in moments of attraction and intimacy. I have heard exercise, public speaking, and even being in nature as being powerful moments.

Once I clarified my question Man 11 (M11) told me, "I feel powerful at work. I am good at what I do." Right now the thing that is working best in my life is my job. I get to do something different every day.

Calm After The Storm & Before The Storm (M10)

I am always wondering where the fighter goes next. I have to get the chip off my shoulder.

I grew up surrounded by extreme poverty. My parents split up when I was six years old. From six to eighteen I just wanted to get out of there. My mother was either not willing or not able to care for us. I raised my siblings all the while living in a very small mobile home where my bedroom was a closet.

I got out of there by joining the military. My Commanding Officer loved to push my buttons. He loved to get under my skin. Despite that I stuck it out and was in the service for nine years.

When I got out of the service I was engaged but we never ended up getting married.