Me - My Time (W16)

I chose to be single so I could focus on raising my kid. I tried dating and it just didn't work.

Woman 16 (W16) is 48 years old. Over the last year her daughter graduated from high school, she changed jobs, is contemplating moving a new home, and is thinking of trying out online dating.

I anticipated some conversation about empty nest syndrome or major realizations about life as a single, adult woman. That is not what I got. Even though she was focused on raising her daughter and making a living she found plenty of time for self discovery. She is not unclear about who she is or what she wants. She was honest and contemplative while we talked. She didn't have all of the answers. People are rarely so honest and open about not knowing what is coming next in life.

People misunderstand what it's like to be a single mom. It changes your perspective on things. I had to work a lot. I like what I do and it was my primary social outlet for a long time.  When I lost my Dad to cancer I went to work. It kept me from being alone. My work saved my life.


I am happier in my professional life for the first time in a long time. I am helping other human beings and that is important work. It doesn't feel like work; it is good for my soul.

I feel in control of my life everyday. I make my own decisions. I don't know that I feel powerful. But, I do have power.

Recently, I have been working out with a personal trainer. It comes to mind as what I enjoy most. I feel physically stronger and it feels good to do something for myself. Outside of that I like to relax by doing absolutely nothing. (ha!)

For fun I enjoy meeting friends for drinks. I also enjoy live music. I prefer small venues or some place where I can dance. I don't really have a favorite place and I am not much for concerts. I prefer a show at a bar or somewhere outdoors.

My best moments are the little moments. I like helping my family. We are very close. I feel great pride when my daughter does the right thing.


What three words would your best friend use to describe you?
 Smart ass/ Confident/ Calm
(really, the first thing she would say is that I use foul language)                             

What is the most fun thing you have done in the last 30 days?
I had a Saturday off work. I spent the day with a friend. We went to BB's Lawnside BBQ in the afternoon to listen to some blues. Then we headed to Zona Rosa for the Art Festival and had a few drinks.

What would you do if you were not afraid?
I'm not afraid. I am lazy. I would paint.

Where would we go for a "day of fun" in Kansas City?
Fric & Frac for drinks. We would sit outside and people watch while we have lunch. Then we would go to The Crossroads to hear some music and chill. After that, I will be tired and ready for a nap.

What event most shaped you over the last year?
It was a meeting at work. It was announced that our job requirements were changing once again. After 17 years I actively sought new options and left my job. I have not regretted that decision. It was very freeing. It will cause financial loss. I lost 25 sick days. I was 10 years from retirement. My soul just could not take it any longer.

What is your favorite part of your life right now?
Control. I make my own decisions.

What would new friends be surprised to learn about you?
I'm not bitter.
I lost my dad  to cancer and my husband left me in the same year.
I did my best for the three kids involved. Now, I have a friendly relationship with my ex-husband and his wife. It has been eight years and it is not tense any more.

What do you know for sure?
I admit when I am wrong.
Whatever life throws at me I can make it through. No matter what.

What is your mantra?
I'll figure it out.

What question do you want to be asked? 
What makes you tick?
Don't ask me "what are your hobbies?" Really, who gives a f*ck?

If you could write a note to your younger self, what would you say in 2 words?
Live now.

Your census data is: Single / Divorced / 1 child

Who are you really?
Single/ Sense of humor/ Easy going



So, what did I take away from this interview?
Every stage of life brings unique discoveries. There is opportunity everywhere.

W16 chose to stay single so she could focus on raising her child. She chose to leave the security of a long time job so she could find some rest in her soul. She chose to let go of suffering and grief so she could figure out how strong she was.

As I wrote about her today it resonated with me that her story is a good demonstration of how our lives are touched by love and loss. She just never got stuck on the loss part. Think about that. It is remarkable that this is her story and yet she says she does not feel powerful. Regardless of
how she describes herself she has assumed control of her life and for me that equates to being powerful.

I think a lot of women will relate to her story. I suspect many have felt the way she does when their kids become adults. It is a unique time in a mothers life when the primary person they care for gets to be themselves.

How did she shape me?
The statement that sticks with me was her saying, "I am not afraid. I am lazy."

I think I fall in to the lazy trap more often then the afraid trap.

It takes a lot of energy to be a single person! Singles maintain their home, social life, hobbies, profession, finances, faith, sanity...um, everything unassisted.

Getting lazy happens sometimes. Occasionally, I feel like I can only do so many things and I just drop things that are too hard or not exciting or whatever.

The really bad news is that usually the things that get dropped are the things that serve ourselves. Those things are likely to include finances, fitness, or hobbies. Anyone out there making monthly charitable donations to the local fitness club?

Single people are fun, damn it! Tragic that some of them/us get caught up in "surviving". Don't slack when it comes to the import business of living life.

I hope she paints if that is what she wants to do.