My Final Word on Singles. Now, Let's Eat!

Here it is. Finally. The short and sweet version of what I have learned about KC Singles. The post your short attention span has been waiting for! 

Over the last two years I spent a substantial amount of time pondering the life of KC Singles. I blogged about what I learned in a single conversation with a handful of them. I read countless articles, surveys, and advise columns. I have talked and talked and talked to anyone that would engage me on this topic. 



In the process I have become increasingly certain about the following Truths:

The Wild Ride (W19)

We met for beers on the patio at McCoy's. One of my favorite KC spots for sure! Conversation came easily as we covered online dating, the surprises that accompany moving away from home, settling into a  new job/career, and growing a network of friends in a new city.

My biggest success in memory is completing my first year of teaching and surviving in KC alone. 

Let me just say that she makes surviving look good! She lives Downtown. She is poolside at the Intercontinental in the Summer. She kicks it at happy hour or goes out dancing on the weekends. She frequents concerts and musicals or explores the city in her free time. Whether she is glammed up and heading out on the town or casual and cute headed to a Royals game she definitely knows how to have fun!

This Is The Best Time Now (W18)

Woman 18 (W18) was 41 at the time of the interview. She grew up in a military family and her immediate family currently lives in the KC metro. If you were (or are) an NKOTB fan you will love this little fun factoid! A friend of mine has been friends with Donnie Wahlberg for years. We have spent time with him on several occasions. For a while I dated one of the NKOTB bodyguards.

She has a lot to juggle right now. Based on our conversation she is in the midst of multiple changes. Her early 40's have found her enmeshed in professional and personal life changes. I asked her what is working best in her life right now and after a quick, knowing laugh, a scrunched facial gesture, and a swirl of her glass of wine she emphatically replied. I could almost see the laundry list of emotions and events scrolling behind her eyes.

Trying To Do What I Do. I'm Fearless (M17)

He described himself as a member of the Plus One Club. I had never heard anyone use that term before but it is a great description of life as a single professional. Having a group of single friends to attend networking, charitable and social events with is a must. We discussed the ups and downs, ins and outs, and all around of being an adult single.

Man 17 (M17) is 42 years old. I know this is cliché but…40-something is clearly not what it used to be.

I am often shocked to find out someone is in their 40's. I tend to assume people are younger than they actually are. As I have met more and more people I realize that we all really are just as young as we feel.

We met at his studio and chatted about his art, work, and hobbies. Over the course of the evening we had cocktails and appetizers and I suspect we may have solved many of the world's problems.

Experiencing New Things (M16)

Amazing how people can be so much alike, yet so different. Trite, I know.

We met over lunch for the interview. The kind of lunch that ends up taking two hours and two beers before anyone is ready to head back to work. He was talkative and funny when we started out. I don't think he knew what was coming. But, as we got into the conversation he became more introspective and was honest to a point that may have surprised him even more than me. 

Man 16 (M16) is 27. He grew up in a small Missouri town. He attended college in a slightly larger MO town where he lived and worked for a total of eight years. Then, not so long ago, he landed a job in Kansas City and relocated anticipating he would stay here for the foreseeable future. 

He told me he had a romantic relationship in college that ultimately fizzled out. When he first arrived in KC he met "a few girls" but went on to explain that has tapered off now.

On To New Adventures (M15)

Things happen for a reason. There is no coincidence.

Man 15 (M15) recently moved to the Kansas City Metro seeking new scenery, adventure, and ambitious, energetic people to add to his ever growing network.

He spends his time actively growing relationships and building that network of people all around him. He purposefully surrounds himself with people of all ages.  He explained that no one should ever be judged by their age. At 65 years old he described some of his closest friends to me including people from several generations. 

He dedicates a good amount of time as a Fraternity Advisor. Additionally, he advises [college] students who are campaigning for office. He feels powerful when he has influence on a situation. Over the course of our interview I gathered that he also has a lot of fun in his work. Among some of the fun stories he told me was one about being initiated into a fraternity at 64 years old and also a recent bachelor party invite he received. (No, he didn't go. But, that could have a been a great story!)

Figure It Out (W17)

Woman 17 (W17) has been a professional acquaintance of mine for years. I had occasion to ran into her at networking events but our interaction never progressed beyond light, social communication. She has always been someone I respected and hoped to get to know better. I guess you could call it charisma. She just has that thing!

We met over happy hour at La Bodega and enjoyed some sangria (of course), tapas, and people watching on the Boulevard. Turns out she is as interesting, insightful, and charismatic as I anticipated. 

What works best in my life right now is family. I have two kids and three grand-kids. I’m not sure it could get any better. I have a really good relationship with my kids. 

My best moment in memory is moving to Kansas City 20 years ago when I got married. Three weeks later - mid September -  I saw wild flowers on the highway and realized it would be okay. I go back to that day every fall when I see those.

The Unknown (M14)

Right now, I am focused on taking care of myself - health, food, choices. 

What I think is most misunderstood about being a single man is that it is not always arrived at by choice.

Man 14 (M14) is 33 years old. Not long ago he moved back to Kansas City for a relationship. An, at times long distance relationship he had been in for six years. That relationship came to an end for, in my opinion, what amounts to a very honest reason.

They were in different places.
They saw the path forward differently.
Ultimately, the choice was made to be honest with themselves and each other. 
They admitted that they did not want the same thing at the same time and maybe they never would.

So often couples can't see the relationship forest for the trees. Not the case here. I'm sure it was a difficult decision. Kudos to them for coming to terms with where they were at.

Me - My Time (W16)

I chose to be single so I could focus on raising my kid. I tried dating and it just didn't work.

Woman 16 (W16) is 48 years old. Over the last year her daughter graduated from high school, she changed jobs, is contemplating moving a new home, and is thinking of trying out online dating.

I anticipated some conversation about empty nest syndrome or major realizations about life as a single, adult woman. That is not what I got. Even though she was focused on raising her daughter and making a living she found plenty of time for self discovery. She is not unclear about who she is or what she wants. She was honest and contemplative while we talked. She didn't have all of the answers. People are rarely so honest and open about not knowing what is coming next in life.

People misunderstand what it's like to be a single mom. It changes your perspective on things. I had to work a lot. I like what I do and it was my primary social outlet for a long time.  When I lost my Dad to cancer I went to work. It kept me from being alone. My work saved my life.

If You Don't Ask The Answer Is Always No (M13)

People misunderstand that being single is not about sleeping around.

Apparently not all single guys are players. Go figure! This guy is focused on his career. He wants to date. However, he is looking for someone who is also career driven, family oriented, and self-sufficient. If you have been single for six months or more you may be able to relate to what a tall order that seems be at times.

At 31 years old Man 13 (M13) is excited about where his life is going. As he should be! He is accomplished, well respected, and has incredible social and professional circles. And, interesting! I actually had to interview him twice. The first time I got so caught up in his professional accomplishments that I didn’t get enough personal info to write a blog post about him.

Sorry! Imagine how awkward I felt emailing him again to ask for two more drinks.

The Struggle (M12)

I think that people think being a single guy is so simple. They are wrong.

32 years old, from a small town in Missouri, Man 12 (M12) was a fun interview right from the word go. If you know me you won't be surprised to hear that I was late to arrive for the interview.  He was half way through his first beer when I sat down and, while he didn't know what to expect, seemed ready to spill.

On his way to meet me he picked up a call that unexpectedly delivered news that a good friend had died in an accident. That's right -- that happened. Tragic but true, part of our conversation was about how life gets cut short. Amazing people are lost unexpectedly. The people they love are left behind and, in a moment, your perspective is forever changed. It was a great moment to be near him and hear his candid thoughts about life, relationships, and finding ourselves in the midst of it all.

So, off we went...

The Sequel (M11)

I really don't like the word powerful. I don't want to have control. It is not in my personality.

We discussed "power" for a bit. What does it mean? How is that word perceived? In the context of these blog interviews power is a good thing. I'm looking for moments or environments when singles feel fully actualized.

What gets your blood pumping?
When do you feel you have the world in the palm of your hand?
Where do you go to put a smile back on your face and restore your spirit?

Many of my interviewees have expressed feeling powerful at work. A few have admitted feeling powerful in moments of attraction and intimacy. I have heard exercise, public speaking, and even being in nature as being powerful moments.

Once I clarified my question Man 11 (M11) told me, "I feel powerful at work. I am good at what I do." Right now the thing that is working best in my life is my job. I get to do something different every day.

Calm After The Storm & Before The Storm (M10)

I am always wondering where the fighter goes next. I have to get the chip off my shoulder.

I grew up surrounded by extreme poverty. My parents split up when I was six years old. From six to eighteen I just wanted to get out of there. My mother was either not willing or not able to care for us. I raised my siblings all the while living in a very small mobile home where my bedroom was a closet.

I got out of there by joining the military. My Commanding Officer loved to push my buttons. He loved to get under my skin. Despite that I stuck it out and was in the service for nine years.

When I got out of the service I was engaged but we never ended up getting married.

The Best Is Yet To Come (W15)

I wanted to stick my neck out and do something different. I decided to be interviewed because I am an open book. Being single doesn't mean I am not an adult.

Like several people I have interviewed recently Woman 15 (W15) was introduced to me by a previous interviewee. I love when that happens! I love meeting a friend of a friend. It's eye opening to see this chain link of amazing people unfolding all around me and realizing that the distance between us is one single conversation (accompanied by delicious mexican food in this case).

I have a good life. I enjoy running and listening to music. When I need to relax I like to get out on the water. Even sitting on the dock will work.

When I am running I try to focus on something different for every mile. It helps me get through the race. I try to finish in the middle of the pack. I feel powerful after I work out.

Now I See [spiritually] Meets Chaos [worldly] (M9)

I think the biggest misunderstanding people have about me as a single man is that I am either a player or I am gay. Actually, I am neither.

So, now you must be wondering what he does with his time. Right?

Man 9 (M9) is 36 years old. He has assumed guardianship of two boys whose parents were unable to care for them. He works full time (like most of us), is active in volunteer ministry at his church, enjoys running and spending time with his two boys.

I am an animal lover and have three dogs. My favorite music venues include my shower and my car. I think all honest people rank those among their top 3!  I enjoy reading books on my iPad while relaxing on the deck. I also love "dude movies". I connect with the boys over comics, super heroes, and action and adventure.

The Only Constant Is Change (W14)

I quit my job and took six weeks to visit Ireland and travel through Europe. I am so glad I took the time away.

On the day I interviewed Woman 14 (W14) she was 29 years old. A few days later she turned the big 3-0. I, for one, think that an extended European vacation followed by landing a new job is a great way to walk out of your 20's with a fresh perspective.

I am very competitive. I feel powerful when I am playing sports, after a tough run or a big challenge.

My family is the part of my life that is working best right now. We have become close in the last few years. My mom is from Ireland and I have a lot of family there. The trip was a great chance to spend time with them.

It's All About Timing (W13)

I feel powerful when I am being vulnerable. Over the last few months I have focused on being open and real. People perceive me as guarded even though I feel like an open book.

Woman 13 (W13) is 32 years old. She was headed out of town with a friend for a weeks vacation the day after our interview. She works in the creative realm and takes care not to allow herself to be overly consumed with her job. When I first met her she was bubbly and relaxed. She has a disarming smile and a welcoming nature about her.

I decided to meet with you and be interviewed because I am in a good spot. My friend asked me if I was interested and I figured I didn't have anything to lose. Right now the things that are working in my life are my job and finding a balance between work and social life.

The person who told me about the blog is a great friend that I have know since seventh grade. She is my mirror. I know she will be honest with me no matter what.

?... (M8)

I love big brains. Seriously. One of my favorite things is stumbling into a conversation someone who
is crazy smart, or well read, or super interesting.

This interview was a perfect example of a conversation with an intelligent, curious person who enjoys life.

Man 8 (M8) is 39 years old working in medical device sales and marketing. He travels frequently for work and for fun.

When my friend suggested I be interviewed for your blog I said yes with no hesitation. He asked and I said yes. Man 8 told me that from his view point the thing people most misunderstand about being a single man is that  he don't have as much free time as people assume. (Like all single people he either has to handle everything or find someone else to do it and pay them. His statement gave me flashbacks to my Dad saying that he had kids to do laundry, dishes, vacuum and mow the lawn.)

Post Waffles (W12)

Woman 12 (W12) is 26 years old. She is sweet natured and quick to strike up a conversation. In some ways she is youthful and innocent. In other ways she is wise beyond her years.  She told me that she agreed to be interviewed because she felt the push. I couldn't ignore it.

There are many sides to her and in our short conversation I am sure we only scratched the surface. It would take a lot of time and conversation to gain real insight into her heart and mind. The things about her that struck me initially were her level head, her loving heart, and her desire to live in community.

You see when you spend time with W12 you often get the chance to spend time with her son. Being a single mom means that when she is not at work he is typically by her side.

Here is part of our email chain to set up the interview:

Me: Don't know what your schedule is with your son but I am pretty flexible. let me know when would be the best time for you. looking forward to it!

W12: I have [him] 24/7/365. He's pretty easily entertained with a kindle though! We could do coffee before 11.

The Unknown (M7)

I think I just met a real life Renaissance Man!


Man 7 (M7) revealed multiple layers of interests and insight. In some ways he is a big kid. In other ways he is an old soul. He epitomizes "the guy next door".

He told me that he feels powerful when he's driving  his truck. Or, when he can maintain eye contact with a stranger longer than they do. The way he explained it sounded like a social experiment in connection. So many people are lost in their phone or iPod desperate to avoid human connection.

My job and my finances are what works best in my life right now. I am living debt free. I think I am more knowledgeable than powerful. I am intelligent; street smart and book smart.

Refreshing to meet a 27 year old man who is interested in knowledge rather than obsessed with power.